kaytlyn sanders

no matter what, no matter when, I am here for you.

Anna,

I am sorry. I was wrong.

It has taken me days to realize what really happened and to clear my head of all the complex emotions of dealing with Sabrina’s passing, her memorial and seeing everyone who attended, processing all of C’s emotional family issues, having you and mom stay at my house and an upcoming birthday that wasn’t going to be much of a celebration. It was very overwhelming and I can now see how muddied my thoughts were.

I wasn’t angry at you, but I took it out on you.

I was so upset with C and how she could affect our whole family with her problems. I had never seen her this way and at first was trying to protect her. Then ended up back-lashing by trying to protect my own family from the highly emotional situation she was involved in.

Not that any of this is an excuse. I was the one who decided to yell and dismiss what you had to say. The reasoning at the time was to hear directly from C what was going on, as you had said. I didn’t have to say it that way, nor did I have to discount your point of view. I was deeply upset and lashed out at you when I really was angry at C. That was not what I meant at all.

That is my perspective on what happened this last weekend, and I own up to the bad choices I made, but it doesn’t make up for a much larger underlying problem between us, or maybe just with me.

I don’t know if I am afraid to open up to you, to have that close sisterly bond, because I don’t want to recognize that we both share the same pain of dad’s death. That you are the closest person on this earth that can relate to this feeling the fatherly void in our family. Mom and I relate in a different way, but who can I share the thoughts of loosing a father?

Sadly and ironically, all of my business plans have been focused around creating sisterly bonds with other women I work with and friends I have in Seattle, yet I don’t even know how to be a sister to my own sister. Even the death of Sabrina is screaming out a lesson of how I have neglected our own relationship. I admit I have left you very low on my list of priorities and I have not spent the time with you that you deserve.

You came up to Seattle to connect, to be with family during this very hard time. To turn to those closest to you for support and a shoulder to cry on. I gave you none of that.

I think we all had expectations for this last weekend, and maybe they were a bit unfair. Some of us wanting to relate deeply and let out all of our pain, others wanting to celebrate regardless of the situation and some not wanting to feel anything and to be numb. I admit now, I don’t think I was ready to feel very deeply, if at all, but ended up letting it affect me deeper than I thought. I think whenever we get together we all have expectations. But what we really need is acceptance and to give more to each other.

One of my biggest problems is the defensive wall I put up whenever I feel like I am or may get hurt. That wall goes up so quickly and I will do anything to protect myself, even if it means hurting others. It comes from my past and something I am working on, but not an excuse to act the way I did.

I do feel we are very different on many life principles, but yet so much the same. I don’t know if I can put it into words. We have such different opinions about life. This weekend has taught me so much about how to accept and agree to disagree. It’s not realistic to expect you to live like me or for you to adopt my thinking. I hadn’t realize I had been pushing it so much on you. But at the same time we care about so many of the same things.

I love you. I love how you have found your own life, your love, your passion for creativity, and your outlets for compassion. I also feel like you might be lost and trying to find your way. Not that you are asking us to guide you, but trying to find out where you fit and give back to the world. And we need to give you that space. To support you with your journey, but not tell you where to go.

I still haven’t figured it all out myself, but I can look back over the last ten years and see what a journey it’s been. It’s not easy and a lot of it is trial and error. But those errors are what help us figure out what’s right for us. I have discovered what I love and what makes me happy and I really do find it a blessing to be able to do so at this point in my life. Not everyone is so lucky. And there are even things you have already figured out that I still need to learn.

There is no need to rush as this is what life is all about. We are all learning, making mistakes, trying to learn from the repetitive lessons that keep coming up in our lives and being happy with ourselves and where we are. From my observations of some of the happiest people I know, it’s usually being present, in the moment and accepting the happiness that is right in front of us. Boy, is that hard to learn.

You are my sister, my only sibling, my family. It is an honor to be related to you and to view your perspectives, your knowledge and your passions that you bring to life. You let us see the world through your eyes, to see what is important to you and to love as you love.

So I have no expectations that you will forgive me, or call me, or contact me anytime soon. Only you can make that choice when it’s right for you, if it’s right for you. I broke your trust and I have to earn it back. I don’t believe this will be an easy process, but I will be here when you are ready.

I love you,

K

P.S. No matter what else you do, please remember two things:

1) You don’t have to live your life the way other people expect you to.

2) The world is waiting for you to figure out what only you can contribute. Take as much time as you need to find the answer, and then get started on it.

(Boy do I wish I had come up with these impressive words of advice, but they are written by Chris Guillebeau and his A Brief Guide to World Domination.)