• travel to San Francisco, Portland and New York
• drink more tea with friends
• give myself lots of time
• purge more stuff to live a minimalist lifestyle
• visit my friends (and their little ones) on friday afternoons
• take more photos
• take more walks
• weekends are family time only
• call my sister more often
• have lunch with my mom more often
• have dinner out with Myk more often
• find more volunteer opportunities
• create more beauty around me
• love myself completely

What do you want to create for yourself in 2009?

New principals, new outlooks and fresh perspectives will give way to a balance I have been seeking for years. And sometimes you have to ask for help outside yourself before you can find it.

The possibilities are endless and the outcomes great. “Only you can choose how you spend your time.” A highly valuable pearl of wisdom bestowed upon me today. And a much needed reminder of the power our choices bring us happiness and balance each and every day.

It was over a month ago, but we almost lost our first dog, Baby. It was an accident and we were all pretty lucky, especially her.

We adopted her from the Pug Rescue here in Seattle in 2004 and she will be 11 next month in January. She is submissive to every new dog she meets, wagging her tail to say “yes, I want to be friends.” But she is no pushover. Even though Jenna is our alpha-dog here in our home, Baby will grab toys and push Jenna out of laps. Tenacious, we say. She only has one eye, but since we saw an eye specialist a couple years ago and have new eye medicine, she can see better than ever in the only one she has left. The previous owner hadn’t taken care of her other eye and it had to be removed when she was about four or so.

On a weekday when the sun was still shining and the weather hadn’t turned nearly so cold, I had left Baby and Jenna out in the backyard for some time to run around while I ran out to an appointment. I met a prospective client in Kirkland and then visited a little store I had been meaning to wander around. Gone for about two hours. By the time I had gotten back to the house, I saw the girls out back and saw Baby had had some diareah. I went to get a rag to wash off her bum and by the time I returned to the backyard, she was tipping over and collapsing.

I immediately scooped her up, ran to the nearest phone and called our vet. Seeing that she was fading fast, I knew that even a 15 minute car ride may not be fast enough. I knew of a former vet that was right down the street from us so after telling the receptionist that I had to try and make it to that one first, I hung up and ran to the car, not even remembering where Jenna was. I knew she was inside, but that was about it.

In the car I kept shaking baby in the car seat next to me as I dashed to make all the lights I could. I could hear her breath every so often, but she felt very cold. Turning into the parking lot I grabbed her and ran inside, calmly and firmly letting the people at the front desk that this was an emergency. As they took her to the back, it finally hit me what was going on. The adrenaline subsided and I couldn’t think very straight. Tried to fill out paperwork, answer questions and made the phone call to Myk to let him know what was going on. Then it hit me. I balled into the phone that I thought Baby might not make it and all I could do was wait and see.

When a vet tech finally did come out to talk, they said they had stabilized her, but still didn’t know. I had called my mom in the meantime and she was on her way down to meet me with Marley. I think both of us felt that this was going to be it for Baby. I actually started preparing myself for it. Having the memories float back through my mind.

The vet came out after about an hour (after my mom had arrived) and told us she was doing much better, but still didn’t know what had happened. They did x-rays and blood work, but nothing was explaining it. I won’t get into the details, but after explaining what I had witnessed, we think that the main thing may have been something that she ate in our back yard. Mushrooms, berries, who knows what. I will say this - when Baby has gone without food, she will try to eat anything that is around her due to her separation anxiety and the fact she is a pug.

She was sedated and on an IV and they wanted her to stay supervised overnight, so we transferred her up to an overnight facility. Luckily, I was able to stop by at home and pick up Myk before going up there. It made it a lot easier to drive with him in the car watching her while I focussed on directions. We left her in good hands and it was the long sleepless night for both of us. I really broke down and thought that even if she did get better, I don’t know if her personality would ever be back full strength. It was something I was willing to see. We had our limits. Being close to the holidays and tight with bills already, these costs didn’t come at an ideal time. But we also knew at her age that we weren’t going to save her at any cost if it was her time to go.

The next morning I heard back from the emergency doctor wanting to do an ultrasound to just make sure that we weren’t dealing with something worse, like a tumor or cancer. So they shaved her little belly and looked around and found nothing. Now we were pretty sure that it was something she ate. I waited out the rest of the day as they told me she was waking up but wanting her to eat something before sending her home. I asked if I could come try to get her to eat something and they said it was fine.

I had brought Jenna with me as sometimes when Jenna eats, Baby gets jealous and starts eating as well. I didn’t know quite what state Baby was in as the last time I saw her she was barely awake. I expected a sluggish and not entirely there pup. But when they brought her into the room, she started running around and was so happy to see us. I was amazed. This little runt of a pug (and she is a runt of sorts, spinal problems and health issues) had come back over ninety percent in the matter of 24 hours. I tried to coax her to eat and she did pick up food and treats in her mouth, but then spat them out. My instinct took hold and I insisted I take her home. The vet wasn’t too happy about it, but I knew that Baby wouldn’t eat in that place. I knew I could watch her the next day or so and if she still wasn’t eating, I could bring her back. But I also knew that Baby loved her food when she was home.

So she came home. And within five minutes and a little bread and carrot nibbles, she was a hungry little hippo. I took it easy on her as her system had been through quite a shock, so small amounts were key. But her appetite came back full force with a day or two and she was running around like normal.

From that point on, I feel like we all have a second chance with her. Almost convinced that she was gone at once point, we have her back and carefully watch her whenever she goes in our backyard. We tried to pick up everything she could have gotten into to make her that sick, but I think we will have to wait until spring to do a full cleanup.

Baby, oh Baby. Thank you for spending a bit more time with us. From the energy you are displaying now, you are more fearless than ever and definitely not ready to go.

Written for Blog Action Day 2008: Poverty.

I do not know poverty, or have ever experienced it. When I was a baby, my parents may not have had a whole lot starting out in life, but we were never poor or living in poverty. We always had food on the table and toys to play with, even stuffed animals my mom used to make. Sometimes those toys were sticks and mud from the yard, but it was a very rich childhood in imagination.

I have seen a hint poverty on TV through infomercials and PBS specials. But this is no real taste of it. I am ashamed to say I have never traveled far or visited some of the poorer parts of the US. I don’t know poverty first-hand.

So how do I write about it?

I know it exists and I know it should not be happening when there are those who are leading such a luxurious life, they could easily solve a lot of the worlds problems. Why is there such a wide gap? Why do we continue to play with our iPhones, surf the web, drive around in our cars and get take-out from a local restaurant in portions that are at an unhealthy size and nutritional value? What has gotten America into this state where we put on the blinders and switch the channel whenever we see a child or a person in need?

When we ignore it, it doesn’t go away. I see right through a face on TV so I can sleep at night, letting it slip out the back of our mind. We walk quickly down the street to get past a person asking for money so I don’t have to confront or deal with the problem. We get envelopes in the mail asking for money or food donations and throw them in the recycle bin. Is this what it means to be American? To say nothing else matters except me?

I want to do more. I want to acknowledge it. Deal with it. See what hands on change I can cause. We are all capable to make a difference.

Below is my only close relationship with poverty that I know.

Myk did have some very poor experiences growing up. Not poverty, per se, but definitely hardships. There were many times he told me that he ate mayo sandwiches or nothing for dinner. That they would never get any new back-to-school clothes, or even supplies. Might get something nice for Christmas, might not get anything. Lived in housing full of rats and cockroaches. He has never gone into details, but he has described it as a hard childhood.

His mom was a young single mother of two boys growing up in Washington DC, doing the very best she could. Working two jobs and trying to stay afloat. I just hope I never have to go through times like that, with two kids growing up as I was growing up. But ever since I met her about ten years ago, I know what they survived on as a family. There is a lot of love between her and Myk. And that’s what she instilled in him to get up and out of there. Love. A love of himself to want more and not settle for what cards he had been dealt or being stuck in a mind-set where the system is keeps you down.

This half of my post is started here in my personal blog to acknowledge some of the raw feelings and honest ideas I have. Please read the continuation on the Sostane Seattle Blog’s post on poverty.

I really can’t believe it’s that time of year again. I love fall, with all of its spectacular colors, running from warm buildings out into blustery streets, then back inside to drink something hot. I have always loved change—when you see the differences and experience things that are unfamiliar.

Don’t get me wrong. I can be a homebody just as much as the next person here in Seattle (which I think is why I love the northwest autumnal season even more), so at times it feels like I am not making myself or my surroundings change at all.

But I am a careful observer. I soak in the details of the sun, rain, even sights and smells. I soak them in— internalizing them until they are words no longer and absorb them into a feeling. Myk tends to think that I don’t remember things (I don’t), but my memories take a different course as they turn into colors, moods, fleeting moments and blurs in my mind. They are still there, but have transformed.

These thoughts float around in limbo, just like the scattered leaves are doing now. They are beautiful in color, each one memorable, but not meant to be in their final resting spots quite yet. One of my clients told me it’s like compost (thank you Peter and Ellen). The ideas might not feed into a direct project or purpose, but as they pile up and decompose, rearranging themselves into something that feeds the imagination, a new idea comes forth.

So many of these are floating in my head these days. Like a leaf you are trying to catch as it skitters across your path. Can this one be caught? Maybe it’s not meant to—merely appearing in your life to remind you of something else.

My tendency is to get everything in order. Usually a “spit-spot,” “ten-second tidy,” or a “everything has its place.” But for now, they need to float around for a while to see where they land.

What is success to you? What does it mean to me? It’s never the same for anyone and we are most definitely allowed to change it over time.

Ten years ago, success for me was getting through a quarter of midterms and finals. Seven years ago, it was finding a job during a long hiatus of unemployment. Four years ago, it was quitting my job. Three years ago, it was opening my new business. And last year? Success was the beginning of another adventure and meeting some amazing women along the way.

But what is it now? What is my own success as the holidays draw near?

Well, with the economy the way it is, I think we are all just trying to save and advertise for some extra business as the future is entirely unknown. We can stare at the news headlines each morning and watch the numbers go up and down like a roller coaster. But should that define how we are successful?

Our confidence waning, our legs shaking. We could really be in for some trouble or we can just make the best of what we were dealt. We have no full control over what happens. If you own stocks or are a day-trader heavily invested in corporations who are bailing, you may want to seek some shelter. To the rest of us, especially the idea-makers, this is actually a time for us to be reborn.

If you are a small business owner, this will be a test to see if what you are offering is of a great value to others. Is it unique, quality-driven, can’t live without it product or service, it should fair the seas decently but you will be feeling the waves. At the same time you will need to really spell it out to others why your business deserves their attention. It may be obvious to you, but most times others don’t believe it until they are reminded of the wonderful things you offer.

So, truth time. Am I afraid? Yes. Will I be successful? Yes, without a doubt.

How do I know? Because I know myself and I have been through some really bad times. I have no illusions that this will be a walk in the park. It won’t. It will be a great test to weed out the strong from the weak (and I mean this in terms of quality, stamina and commitment).

But as a sustainability spokesperson, isn’t this what we have wanted for a long time? For the businesses with shallow agendas, plastic promotions, “stuff will make you happy” advertising to stop? For us to realize that we need to make ourselves happy in other ways? To enjoy each other’s company, to marvel in what we already have around us, to be satisfied with what we have?

Maybe this is actually a cleansing and a reset of what we really need in this world. For us to see that alternative energies are a great investment. That lending an excess of credit is not good for anyone involved. That another huge hybrid SUV is not what we need to solve global warming. For us to stop and take a good look at what is not in balance.

I am not saying that the people who are loosing their jobs or homes deserve it. It’s absolutely horrible that this is happening. But when you clear out the bad, you allow room for something good to invade. It’s an opportunity. But it’s up to us to allow it, cultivate it and reap the benefits. Personal choices are the only way this can happen.

Do I know what these choices are? I do for myself, but you will have to determine what they are for you. As long as they are meaningful, philanthropic–and benefiting the earth, others and yourself–then you are probably on the right path.

So ask this of yourself: How am I going to define and act upon my success during the next year?

I leave you with my favorite quote right now:

Adopt the pace of nature. Her secret is patience.

It’s been a crazy road with bumps and turns I did not expect, especially the last few months. They were more of a wake-up call of sorts. Between family, friends and business all commingling together. It doesn’t make much sense, but I can’t deny any of it. It’s all real and here to stay.

Because life happens in a blur, is that a good thing? Does that mean I am enjoying it and living it to the fullest?

Or does it mean I am not paying attention and working to hard?

I am not even going to pretend to know or identify which it is because I just want it to be. To exist exactly how it is. It’s the only existence I have and all I can do is enjoy it, even if I am not fully conscious of what I am doing.

So as this year slides down into fall, nestling itself into the holidays and then saying goodbye, I can’t help but wonder, could this year been different? Could I have done more, loved more, experienced more?

No.

This is year, this week this moment is all as it should be.

I am sick of wondering “could I have done this,” or “I should have done that.” I am over the coulda woulda shouldas. I am tired of living in the past, or existing in the future. I want to be in this moment right now.

And I am. I am right here. Sitting at my desk in my office, surrounded by things I love, including my husband (currently in the shower), my dogs (curled up on my bed behind me), and my bed (asking me to get snuggled up and have a blissful night’s sleep).

I am here, where it’s a little chilly since we haven’t turned on the heat for the house (it’s too early) and I am still in my work clothes. Where there is a fly still buzzing around the room that I haven’t killed yet from leaving the window open earlier. Maybe I will have mercy on it.

It’s where my notes for work are pushed aside, my cell phone turned silent, a stack of papers I need to go through ignored until tomorrow. It’s that time before bed that’s just for me. A quiet little moment all to myself.

That is where I am. And I am not going anywhere. At least for this moment.

The ring above I purchased the day before my birthday. I was meeting with a client who had flown in from out-of-town and met her and her husband at a local coffee shop. I love meeting all my clients either for the first or tenth time-they are the nicest people!

Being in a good mood afterwards, I hopped into a little shop next to the cafe where we had met. I looked around at the handmade items from local artists and started going through their silver jewelry that looked like it had been reformed from flatware. I can’t say for sure that the ring I found had been flatware prior to this as it wasn’t directly labeled as such, but I suspect it was. I didn’t ask. It was so sweet and simple. Not perfect as part of the design was a little mashed in, but I knew it when I saw it that I wanted something I could wear to remind me every day that I was now going to be thirty.

At first, right after I turned twenty-nine, I started to freak out a bit. It wasn’t the fact that I just turned twenty-nine, but the fact that it as getting that much closer to thirty. Is it all a story of numbers? Do I really feel twenty-nine or is it just the label that I was given.

I think this last year would have been a lot harder if I hadn’t gotten my Style Statement done by Carrie & Danielle last fall. I had been reading their weekly emails for the previous six months and really enjoyed the meaningful topics concerning authenticity, happiness and living your life to the fullest. I knew they had a book coming out and thought I could figure out my Style Statement on my own.

Oh, I tried. I wrote down many words that I thought described me. But I could not for the life of me narrow it down. I kept getting confused with what I wanted to be, but not who I really was. It was too overwhelming. I just got even more panicked.

So when I heard their prices were going up soon after the release of their book, I immediately scheduled a session. It’s expensive, I won’t kid you that. Especially for someone else to tell you who you are. But it was the one of the best things I ever did, especially at that point in my life. I would recommend it for anyone, or at least get the book!

So on a Tuesday morning, Carrie called me up and we had a great chat. She asked me her questions, and I tried to be as honest, authentic and thoughtful as I could be. Lying or not being accurate would not have gotten me anywhere. Answers to colors, favorite things, personal styles, what I enjoyed and what I craved now in my life. Simple questions that I thought I had asked myself, but I actually never had. Finally forced to have the answers was beneficial. Carrie said she would call me back in about fifteen minutes after the questions. As I waited I just hoped that I had said enough. How could someone tell you who you are in that short of time?

She did indeed call me back and had my description ready for me. Simple Treasure (hence the name of my blog). It took me a few moments to really consider it and understand it. Even after I hung up the phone, I just kept saying the words over and over. Was this who I really was? Should I even trust this? Should I trust someone I never met to tell me who I was?

The next day, the answer was yes. It stuck. This is who I am. And a calm came over me. A couple months of worrying, fretting, going through what most other twenty-nine-year-olds go through at this time in their lives; I finally had some of the answers I had been searching for. Sure, I had the words, but my challenge now was applying them. How do I use Simple Treasure and apply it to my life, my work, my home, even my style?

It’s not something that you can apply instantly and follow from day one. Rather, it’s something that whenever you have a decision to make, you can apply it. If you are planning to make a purchase, work with someone, restyle your home—stick with your Style Statement. It makes everything so simple actually. All of those things that you buy and bring home, then regret because they don’t feel like you; they probably wouldn’t be purchased if you applied your Style Statement and really evaluate if they will make you happy.

I still have a way to go, but I have been using it and I have to say that the best part is that it ended my quarter-life freakout. I felt much calmer and was able to really enjoy my twenty-ninth year and actually felt I had already turned thirty. When my thirtieth came along it was no big deal.

Now for all of those who scoff at thirty (maybe because you have been there and are now past that part of your life), I celebrate you. I know I will get there and come to meet forty, fifty, sixty, seventy and I hope eighty (at least!). I have always been ahead of my time, relating to those double my years very easily. Most of my life before this point I have been rushing to be “grown up”—married, own a house, have my own business—and now I am very happy being right where I am.

I am still not ready for kids. Yet. I have been trying to see if I am ready, but I am enjoying where I am so much, I just don’t want to change that yet. Both mothers are waiting to be grandmothers and my husband as said he is ready for kids (no pressure, right?) but I just don’t think I can do it quite yet. Soon, as I know the clock is ticking biologically, but I just need a couple more years. Of course, I have been saying that for the past eight years.

Anna,

I am sorry. I was wrong.

It has taken me days to realize what really happened and to clear my head of all the complex emotions of dealing with Sabrina’s passing, her memorial and seeing everyone who attended, processing all of C’s emotional family issues, having you and mom stay at my house and an upcoming birthday that wasn’t going to be much of a celebration. It was very overwhelming and I can now see how muddied my thoughts were.

I wasn’t angry at you, but I took it out on you.

I was so upset with C and how she could affect our whole family with her problems. I had never seen her this way and at first was trying to protect her. Then ended up back-lashing by trying to protect my own family from the highly emotional situation she was involved in.

Not that any of this is an excuse. I was the one who decided to yell and dismiss what you had to say. The reasoning at the time was to hear directly from C what was going on, as you had said. I didn’t have to say it that way, nor did I have to discount your point of view. I was deeply upset and lashed out at you when I really was angry at C. That was not what I meant at all.

That is my perspective on what happened this last weekend, and I own up to the bad choices I made, but it doesn’t make up for a much larger underlying problem between us, or maybe just with me.

I don’t know if I am afraid to open up to you, to have that close sisterly bond, because I don’t want to recognize that we both share the same pain of dad’s death. That you are the closest person on this earth that can relate to this feeling the fatherly void in our family. Mom and I relate in a different way, but who can I share the thoughts of loosing a father?

Sadly and ironically, all of my business plans have been focused around creating sisterly bonds with other women I work with and friends I have in Seattle, yet I don’t even know how to be a sister to my own sister. Even the death of Sabrina is screaming out a lesson of how I have neglected our own relationship. I admit I have left you very low on my list of priorities and I have not spent the time with you that you deserve.

You came up to Seattle to connect, to be with family during this very hard time. To turn to those closest to you for support and a shoulder to cry on. I gave you none of that.

I think we all had expectations for this last weekend, and maybe they were a bit unfair. Some of us wanting to relate deeply and let out all of our pain, others wanting to celebrate regardless of the situation and some not wanting to feel anything and to be numb. I admit now, I don’t think I was ready to feel very deeply, if at all, but ended up letting it affect me deeper than I thought. I think whenever we get together we all have expectations. But what we really need is acceptance and to give more to each other.

One of my biggest problems is the defensive wall I put up whenever I feel like I am or may get hurt. That wall goes up so quickly and I will do anything to protect myself, even if it means hurting others. It comes from my past and something I am working on, but not an excuse to act the way I did.

I do feel we are very different on many life principles, but yet so much the same. I don’t know if I can put it into words. We have such different opinions about life. This weekend has taught me so much about how to accept and agree to disagree. It’s not realistic to expect you to live like me or for you to adopt my thinking. I hadn’t realize I had been pushing it so much on you. But at the same time we care about so many of the same things.

I love you. I love how you have found your own life, your love, your passion for creativity, and your outlets for compassion. I also feel like you might be lost and trying to find your way. Not that you are asking us to guide you, but trying to find out where you fit and give back to the world. And we need to give you that space. To support you with your journey, but not tell you where to go.

I still haven’t figured it all out myself, but I can look back over the last ten years and see what a journey it’s been. It’s not easy and a lot of it is trial and error. But those errors are what help us figure out what’s right for us. I have discovered what I love and what makes me happy and I really do find it a blessing to be able to do so at this point in my life. Not everyone is so lucky. And there are even things you have already figured out that I still need to learn.

There is no need to rush as this is what life is all about. We are all learning, making mistakes, trying to learn from the repetitive lessons that keep coming up in our lives and being happy with ourselves and where we are. From my observations of some of the happiest people I know, it’s usually being present, in the moment and accepting the happiness that is right in front of us. Boy, is that hard to learn.

You are my sister, my only sibling, my family. It is an honor to be related to you and to view your perspectives, your knowledge and your passions that you bring to life. You let us see the world through your eyes, to see what is important to you and to love as you love.

So I have no expectations that you will forgive me, or call me, or contact me anytime soon. Only you can make that choice when it’s right for you, if it’s right for you. I broke your trust and I have to earn it back. I don’t believe this will be an easy process, but I will be here when you are ready.

I love you,

K

P.S. No matter what else you do, please remember two things:

1) You don’t have to live your life the way other people expect you to.

2) The world is waiting for you to figure out what only you can contribute. Take as much time as you need to find the answer, and then get started on it.

(Boy do I wish I had come up with these impressive words of advice, but they are written by Chris Guillebeau and his A Brief Guide to World Domination.)

My sister-in-law, Sabrina, passed away last weekend. At 31 years old, she had already dealt with a harsh childhood, a heart transplant and had adopted her niece while running her own business. She even went on cross-country trips and initiated the Portland’s Final Cut Pro Users Group.

This girl brought light into the darkest corners of life. Was fearless is making things happen and accepting things as they were. Her passion was learning and absorbed every morsel of information she could about video editing, 3D modeling, web video and more.

little Sabrina and big Sabrina

She believed anything was possible and she gave her heart to do anything for anyone. Family came first, and all her friends were family. She was an advocate for little Sabrina, and now Matt is trying his best to find her the care she needs.

Marley and big Sabrina, they took to each other the moment they met

Sabrina,

You taught me so much about living; to not be scared, to experience it to it’s fullest, that anything is possible. I wish you were still here, but I know the short time I knew you was precious. I cherish those times.

Live, laugh, accept, forgive and fear nothing. I can’t imagine going forward with life doing any differently now that I have had you show me how.

Love,

K